How to Get Fat

Full-Figured Man by Tobyotter

If you aspire to look like this, read on.

When it comes to health related things here we tend to focus on the best ways to get leaner, faster, stronger and more fit. What if you want the opposite though? What if instead of being strong and healthy you want to be massive and riddled with health problems?

If you’re the kind of person who dreams of one day having to buy two tickets every time you fly on an airplane, than you’re in luck – I’ve put together a basic guide on how to get fat.

1. Stop Moving

The first thing you need to do if you want to get fat is stop moving so much. Obviously you should avoid exercise at all costs but that’s not always enough. You may need to go even further than that and look for as many ways as possible to move as little as possible throughout your day.

If you have a desk job then you’ve already got a good bit of your work cut out for you. Stay at your desk all day and only get up when you absolutely have to. If you must get up, try to replace the calories you’re going to burn by swinging by the break room and grabbing a doughnut or a candy bar. It’s important to take in more energy than you expend.

Once you get home, immediately plop down in front of the TV or in front of a computer and settle in. The goal here should be to only be standing for maybe ten to fifteen minutes total each day. If you think you’re standing too much keep a journal on hand and log all the time you spend standing to see if it needs to be reduced.

Remember video games, TV and the Internet all your friends here. They all let you sit and vegetate without having that nagging urge to get up and do something take over. If you don’t have access to one of those make sure to have a smartphone with you at all times so you can use it to poke around online, stare at Facebook or play a game.

2. Snack Constantly

The claim that eating multiple small meals a day will boost your metabolism has a long history within the Broscience community – thankfully there’s absolutely no truth to it. In fact, eating constantly throughout the day is an excellent tactic for the aspiring obese.

The key here is to always have something nearby that you can grab and eat mindlessly. Any time that you aren’t cramming something into your mouth is wasted time. Even if you’ve already got the sedentary thing down and are moving an absolute minimum you still need to ingest enough calories to pack on some blubber.

By making a point of always having something nearby to snack on you ensure that you have a steady surplus of calories coming in and you never have to worry about being in a deficit and losing precious pounds of pudge.

3. Choose Good Bad Foods

You can’t just snack on and eat anything you want though. Our goal is to put on weight, so you need calories, calories and more calories. That means you should avoid certain foods at all costs.

First up are vegetables. These things are nutrient dense and extremely low calorie, which means you can eat a ton of them and still not get enough calories to get fat. If you can help it, never eat vegetables. Why waste your time getting full on something when it isn’t even going to give you enough calories to get fat? It’s a waste.

Meat is a slightly better choice, but still not perfect. Sure most meats have a lot of fat in them which, at 9 calories per gram, is the highest calorie macronutrient – but it’s also full of protein which means you feel fuller and more satisfied more quickly. Again, we’re looking for something that we can get the most out of so if it makes you feel fuller sooner than it’s not a great choice.

Instead you should turn to the macronutrient specifically geared toward getting you fat – carbohydrates.

Now I’m not saying that carbs alone will make you fat, but they have some important properties that make them ideal for putting on some pounds. First of all, they tend to taste great. If it’s sweet it’s because of carbs. Secondly large doses of carbohydrates cause spikes in Insulin. Insulin then goes on to put that energy into your muscles or, if your muscles are full (perhaps from spending all day sitting in a chair), into storage as fat.

Even with Insulin doing its thing you do need to take in more calories than you burn to actually gain that fat. If you really want to maximize how much fat you’re gaining combine the Insulin generating effects of carbs with the high calorie content of fat to make sure you not only flood your system with Insulin but that at the same time you’ve got a few thousand extra calories in you.

4. Up the Portion Sizes

Getting fat requires a lot of work. Ok, not physical work, but appetite work. You need to learn that four cheeseburgers is an appetizer. Tiny portions are useless. You need to be putting away mountains of food at each meal.

A good general rule to follow is if you’re not eating double the portion that everyone else at the table is eating than your meal isn’t big enough. Don’t be afraid to go back for seconds, thirds or fourths. Even if you’ve gotten to the point where you absolutely, positively cannot eat another bite remember that there are lots of drinks that are packed with calories. If you can’t eat more, order the biggest sugariest soft drink you can find and get to work.

If you want to be fat, more is always better.

Hopefully these tips can help you if it’s your goal to get as fat as possible. If all else fails you can always find a fat mentor and ask them what they do to maintain their girth.

Have any tips on other ways to get fat quickly? Share them in the comments!

Photo Credit: Tobyotter

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Adam is a linguist and personal trainer living in Cincinnati with his wife Caroline and dog Bailey. He's addicted to all things related to language, parkour, fitness and martial arts. You can contact Adam at Adam@RoadToEpic.com, on Twitter or on Google Plus.

  • Qu1ckbadger

    This is hilarious. Good work!